Okay, so last week at this time I was finishing up a week at my cottage and now I’m finishing up a week at home after that week at the cottage. So…how was it? Was I inspired to be so productive at my job and with my various personal projects?
In a word – no.
I went through the week and did what I needed to do at work but procrastinated a fair bit and as far as writing goes, I wrote in my journal on Monday – with a decidedly upbeat and positive entry, but that was it. I spent about an hour working on the book on Wednesday evening and made some progress done there, but that was it. I could have done better.
And this right here is probably the main reason why I have been dreading restarting this blog and why I hate writing in my journal – this fear that this is going to be every single post, and that’s just kind of lame and boring.
In my previous post, I mentioned that I often feel ashamed of myself and I think, as I look back on that post, that this is the kind of statement that was subconsciously intended to elicit pity. “What a wretched man I am! I struggle so mightily with this that at times I feel a sense of shame about myself.”
So, when I phrase it like that it sounds pathetic. It makes me squirm a little. Okay, so let’s unpack it a little bit. Do I feel ashamed of myself sometimes? Yes. I do. This is true. Did I say this for effect? Yeah, I think a little bit. I find that when I write or speak to people, there’s a part of me that enjoys saying shocking or uncomfortable truths about myself. I’m not totally sure why that is – don’t have much to say about that, but it’s an interesting thing I think.
I also feel that truth is important – truth is important when clinging to half-truths or falsehood or deception holds us back or hurts ourselves or others. I think that’s a pretty typical and normal human impulse. I think it’s good.
What I don’t think I fully grasped last week when I wrote that I feel ashamed of myself sometimes is that I kind of just tossed it out there without really thinking about what that means for myself and what I might do about it. I was reflecting on my frustration and why I think I avoid writing sometimes. I said it in the context that I’m going to work on not beating myself up as much. I’m going to celebrate progress and not hold onto failures. Self-discovery can be good and it doesn’t always come with a roadmap for solutions, so, to share something I’ve discovered about myself that might be a little uncomfortable can be fine, but as far as it concerns me, I didn’t really take that and think about how I might be able to find ways to feel less shame about myself in this area. “I’m going to be more positive from now on!” is a nice thought, but it tends to fall apart when the things that made you negative in the first place read their ugly heads again.
Shame is not a helpful feeling when it malingers. When shame is just a constant state of mind feeding negative messages about self and future, it’s terrible. But shame as a flag that something is wrong can be helpful in redirecting and finding a different path that will help avoid the reason for shameful thoughts in the future. This can be a good thing, as long as you take it when it comes, figure out a course of action and then let it drop.
So, looking at my week gone by, I’m not particularly happy with the results. Nothing to brag about. BUT, I’m not going to dwell on them and beat myself up but I’m going to come up with some goals for the week ahead and we’ll see how we do – if we can avoid some of the patterns that marked this forgettable week of work.
So, what I’m aiming for in the week ahead is that I will do 30 minutes of focussed writing around lunch and again in the evening. I will do this using a timer. I will set the timer for 30 minutes during which I will not pick up my phone or go on the computer (for the purpose of distraction). Then, on top of that, I will do a video post on Thursday.
That sounds doable. I’ll check back in next weekend and let you know how it went.
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