[This post got carried away with itself – not only did it take over a week to right – funny that my post on time would take so long to write, but it also got long so I decided to break it up. I’ve also decided to try timestamping my entries. For the entries that were spreading over multiple days, my pronouns were becoming dated. I was writing about “yesterday” and “today” in a way that didn’t make sense by the time I posted. So I’m trying to iron out that wrinkle. Keeping my posts to one day would be the best solution, but I’m working up to that.]
It is a tricky thing because, if God is the one who takes care of us, then all these jobs and businesses that support us so well are gifts from God and why shouldn’t we enjoy them? Well, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t, but the problem lies in the tendency to cling to these gifts and to panic when things go wrong. If trust in God was deeply felt, unquestioned and immovable, then it would be easier to give more and to share more with those who are not so abundantly blessed with these gifts.
So, in this vein of meditating on God’s provision and my trust (or lack of trust) in it, I have been wondering if maybe a person who really trusts in God would just quit this job and pursue the dream with all energy.
I don’t wonder too hard because I don’t have a strong sense that this is what God is pushing me to do. I’m also aware that we have a lot of bills to pay and in hearing stories of God’s provision, I have yet to hear a story of someone who has started receiving a regular paycheque from God in order to maintain a certain standard of living.
If I was to quit my job, we would be fine. We would manage. God would provide for us in one way or another, but it would be disruptive and almost certainly stressful. I don’t think it would be a wise thing to do. I don’t think it would be good for my marriage or my family. I don’t think it would be that good for my writing career. I have pursued a creative career in my past, and I can tell you that it is difficult to be creative when the need to pay the bills hangs over your head.
Yet, at the same time, I often feel stuck. I also know that I cling to this job for security. The thought of leaving is frightening to me. The thought of the unknown is frightening to me. So I’m not really sure how to push myself in this place to trust God deeply without doing something rash and unwise. Again, I feel stuck.
Tuesday morning (a week later – struggling to find time)
So, here’s the resolution. I keep the job and I accept it. I keep the job and I even feel glad about it. This job has bought me so much, and the irony of my resentment is that it has bought me the freedom to do as much as I have on my book. My writing time is scarce but I have carved it out and I have been able to (very slowly, oh so slowly) write the book that I want to write – that I feel like I need to write.
This job has bought my family a house – a house that we have shared with many people. It is a house that has taught me so much about plumbing, carpentry, electrical wiring and drywall (this is a good thing). It provides shelter and warmth and a place to hunker down together and that has been so good.
This job gives me stability and over the past eight years I have learned so much and been able to get my feet under me to the point where I can dream about so many other things. It gives me the place where I can work on finishing and publishing my book, writing and spreading the word for this blog and working on and improving my house.
There will come a time when I will move on from my job. Either I will have reached a place in my other projects where I have space to do something new and I will figure that out, or if I have done my work well, my other projects may have made another way clear for me, and if that happens, then great.
The bottom line, and this comes back to faith, is that I want to find ways to point people to their creator, however that might work. I want people to see and to discover for themselves the goodness of God that they might embrace it for themselves. This job allows me to focus on that. Trusting God for me right now means that I need to stop resenting my job and make the most of it – recognize that this is my provision and to do everything I can to spread that around in any way that I can.